Quit comparing yourself and focus on your life journey.
You really have not tested the volume of sweat one can produce without jogging around the lake in Bangkok’s Benchakitti Park on a sunny 37°C (98°F) day with no clouds, zero wind, and about 80% humidity.
It’s the kind of day when even the locals say, “Hey, it’s kinda warm out,” but I am committed, so last week, I didn’t let a little heat interrupt my exercise schedule.
So I’m out there doing my jogging thing, and about halfway through my routine, I am slowly passed by a walker; my initial thoughts were he’s a fast walker (duh), and I really want the sneakers he’s wearing (they were purple with orange trim).
He ended up leaving when we reached the park exit about 5 minutes later, but something occurred to me when he did; it didn’t bother me when he passed me, and there was a time when being passed by a walker would have bothered me.
I know this because there actually have been a few times in my life when this has happened; one time, I remember reacting by hurrying my pace (ego fueled), and another time I stopped jogging altogether and started to walk (felt defeated).
Being passed didn’t change my speed this time because it didn’t bother me; I focused on my training routine, not his (I didn’t compare myself).
As I continued jogging around the lake, I started to think about all the lifestyle changes that I have worked on over the last several years to improve my mental and physical health, including how to focus on what I am doing and not compare myself to others, and it gave me the idea for this week’s topic; stop comparing yourself to others.
So in this article, I want to explore and share some thoughts I have on comparing ourselves to others, lifestyle changes that helped stop that urge to compare, and how it all worked out. Let’s dive in.
The urge to compare
I’m sure somewhere in early human history, there were two roofless huts next to each other, and each got wet when it rained. Then one had the idea to create the very first roof, and when it rained next, the hut’s interior remained dry. The other neighbor eventually compared their place to the neighbors and created a roof for their hut as well; I guess humans have been comparing themselves to each other ever since.
There’s nothing wrong with some level of comparison, and it can be healthy, but we need to recognize that constant comparison may result in negative feelings, thoughts, actions, and consequences. So to help identify problematic behavior, let’s figure out what causes social comparison in the first place.
Psychologist Leon Festinger introduced the Social Comparison Theory in the 1950s, which suggests that people have an innate drive to evaluate their abilities, opinions, and emotions by comparing themselves to others; this helps us gauge our standing in society and assess our self-worth and competence.
For example, suppose you’re at a party, and one friend mentions a recent promotion while another boasts about a new car; suddenly, you find yourself thinking about your life and accomplishments. You may even wonder how your job compares to your friend’s new position or how your car measures up, even though you seemed content with both things before the party. That’s basically what the Social Comparison Theory is all about; we naturally want to compare ourselves to others around us. We do this to determine where we stand in the grand scheme of things, whether at work, in our social circles, or just in life in general. When we compare ourselves to others, it helps us self-evaluate. If we see someone doing better than us, we might feel motivated to improve and achieve more. On the other hand, seeing ourselves doing better than someone else can boost our confidence and make us feel good about our abilities or even influence us to chill out a bit.
So, social comparison is like a mental measuring stick we use to assess our self-worth and competence. It’s a way to find out how we’re doing compared to others and get a sense of validation or even inspiration. But it’s important to remember that we are all different people who want different things, and comparing ourselves to others too much (or mindlessly) can often lead to unnecessary stress or self-doubt (among other things). It’s good to find a balance and focus on our growth and achievements without getting too caught up in constant comparisons. But that can prove challenging at times.
The pervasive influence of media, especially the news and social media, exacerbates the inclination to compare ourselves to others. Social media platforms almost always present an idealized version of people’s lives, leading to unrealistic comparisons and feelings of inadequacy.
Do you endlessly scroll through Instagram, TikTok, and other social apps? Well, these platforms can significantly impact how we see ourselves and the world around us. Social media is less like a window into people’s lives and more like a highlight reel; people will usually only publish the best pictures and videos to try and display the perfect life, the cool vacations, the perfect selfies, and the amazing parties. It all looks like so much fun and always seems exciting (and, to me, a bit exhausting), but guess what? It’s not the whole picture!
There is nothing wrong with looking around at what people are doing, but when we see all these perfect-looking lives on our screens, we might start making comparisons and say things like, “Wow, they have it all together. Look at their flawless life, their awesome body, their incredible achievements. What am I doing with my life to live up to this?” And that’s where things become problematic. We end up comparing our behind-the-scenes reality show life to someone else’s scripted, hyper-edited, often photoshopped highlight reel; it’s apples and oranges and unfair to do to yourself. Social media can create this unrealistic standard that we feel pressured to live up to, but take it all with a grain of salt and remember that real life isn’t always as polished and perfect as it seems online.
It can be a balance, too, because, on the one hand, we don’t want to get caught up in comparisons, but on the other hand, it is also natural to feel a need for self-evaluation, too. We may not always realize it, but we often use others as reference points to evaluate our strengths and weaknesses; by comparing ourselves to others, we may seek validation, self-improvement, and even a sense of identity. Imagine you’re in a race and want to know how well you’re doing. You might sneak a quick glance to your left and right to see how your competitors are doing. Are they ahead of you, or are you leading the pack? That’s kinds how the need for self-evaluation works.
We all have a natural curiosity about ourselves, and we often wonder (or feel the need to know) how we measure up compared to others. It’s like we have this mental scale, and we use the people around us as reference points to weigh our strengths and weaknesses. When we compare ourselves to others, we’re secretly looking for a little ego boost, a pat on the back, or anything to increase our confidence. If we see ourselves doing well, it feels really good, and we get that sense of validation like, “Hey, I’m doing alright!”
But it’s not always about seeking approval; it’s also about learning and growing, which can be healthy. For example, we get inspired when we see someone excelling at something we really want to be good at; it’s like they become role models, showing us what’s possible. We might think, “Wow, if they can do it, maybe I can too!” So, we use these comparisons to motivate ourselves to get better, and these comparisons also help shape our sense of identity. We figure out what we’re good at, what we’re not so good at, and what makes us unique; think of it as a jigsaw puzzle that, when completed, displays who we really are. We just need to guard against getting too caught up in comparisons; just embrace our strengths, work on our weaknesses, and remember that our journey is our own.
That all sounds sweet, right? But, it gets challenging again if and/or when we choose to consider what our collective popular culture and modern society think.
Here is something we all know, understand, and yet forget, all at the same time. We are influenced by societal norms and expectations, which can lead to comparisons to determine whether we meet those norms or deviate from them. Conforming to these norms can help us feel accepted and valued (or alienated and criticized) within our social groups. Social influence is like an invisible force that nudges us to follow the crowd and do what everyone else does. These unwritten rules and expectations society sets can be about how we should act, what we should wear, or what we should believe in. And because we all want to be part of the gang and feel accepted, we often compare ourselves to others to see if we’re “normal” or standing out like a sore thumb.
Again, in moderation, this can all be normal and healthy; we go to a party and notice what most people are wearing and talking about, so the next party we go to, we maybe incorporate those clothing options and topics in our conversation; for the most part, no harm, no foul. It’s kinda like this mental checklist we keep in our heads. We look around and think, “Am I doing things the way everyone else is doing them? Do I match up to what’s considered ‘normal’ or ‘cool’ in this group?” When we find ourselves fitting in and going with the norm, it can give us a sense of belonging and validation. It’s like we get a little gold star that says, “Hey, you’re doing it right! You’re part of the crew!”
But here’s the thing, sometimes this pressure to conform can be a bit much; it might make us do things we don’t want to do or go against our true selves, so it’s essential to find a balance between fitting in and staying true to who we are. Remember, being different and having your style is more than okay. Sometimes, the most interesting and exciting things happen when we break away from the pack; easier said than done.
So far, we’ve talked about the why; now, let’s talk about how to stop the urge to compare ourselves to others.
How to stop comparing
In the past, I’ve made some poor decisions based on comparing my lifestyle to others and followed what I thought was expected of me rather than what I truly wanted. Case in point; I once bought a house because I thought that’s what I should do, not because I wanted to. Once I moved in, guess what? I didn’t really like owning a home. Why did I buy it? Because I had some money, just got a big promotion at work, and thought that’s what people expected me to do; Everyone around me seemed to agree, too. But this was just one example of many poor choices I made because I wasn’t listening to my own desires (and I sold the house after two years).
Once I spent the time and figured out what I wanted, then it was just a matter of execution, which is what I want to go over next. Making simple lifestyle changes to stop comparing yourself to others is about building self-awareness and focusing on your journey without succumbing to distractions. Remember, breaking the habit of comparison may take a little time and practice, so be patient with yourself and keep reminding yourself it will be worth it. Only you can figure out what you want and the lifestyle you desire. But if you want to stop comparing yourself to others, the following ideas might be helpful.
Limit social media
As mentioned above, social media can be a comparison trap, so try to limit your time, but when you do use social, remind yourself that what you see is just a highlight reel, not the whole story. Limiting your screen time can be challenging, so here are some tips to help you out:
Set time limits: Decide how much time you want to spend on social daily and stick to it. To enforce this, try an app that tracks and limits screen time. Personally, I don’t use apps for this, but I know some who swear by them.
Create a schedule: Develop time slots for using social media, be disciplined, and stick to the plan. For example, I mostly use social media morning, noon, and night for no more than 20 minutes.
Disable notifications: Turn off unnecessary (if not all) notifications to reduce the urge to check for updates constantly. You don’t need to have a fear of missing out on anything; social media is like a (90%) digital pretend world that simply does not matter. Twitter is proving that as we speak (I wonder how that statement will age).
Implement a “no phone” policy: Avoid using your phone for social during meals, family time, or bedtimes; this reduces screen time and keeps you engaged in the actual real world.
Unfollow accounts: Streamline your social feed by unfollowing accounts that are not relevant or bring you negative vibes. I don’t follow anyone; if I want to see what they are up to, I’ll manually take a look to stay focused.
Take days off: If social media seems like a second job, stop using it for extended periods. Be strong and just stop.
Social media can sometimes be a valuable tool and fun when used in moderation. But, excessive use can adversely affect your mental health and productivity. You’ll find three benefits by reducing your social screen time; first, you will be more optimistic; second, you will feel less stress; and third, you will notice a reduced need to compare yourself to others.
Practice gratitude
Take a moment each day to think about what you’re grateful for because it helps shift your focus away from what others have and appreciate what you already have. And hey, it’s not about being all rainbows and unicorns. We all have tough times, and it’s okay to feel sad or frustrated sometimes. Gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring those feelings but searching for the silver lining.
I swear when you take the time to understand and appreciate the positive aspects of your life, recognize the good things you have, and focus on what you’re thankful for, the positive result will improve your well-being and can help stop the tendency to compare your life to others in several ways:
Shifts focus from lack to abundance: When you practice gratitude, you shift your focus from what you lack to what you already have. This change in perspective can help you realize that you possess many valuable things, experiences, and relationships in your life.
Cultivates contentment: Gratitude promotes contentment with the present moment and reduces the constant desire for more or better things. By being grateful for what you have, you learn to be satisfied with your current circumstances rather than constantly striving for what others seem to have.
Reduces envy and jealousy: Comparing your life to others often leads to feelings of envy or jealousy, which can be emotionally draining. Gratitude helps counteract these negative emotions by reminding you of the unique blessings in your life, making it easier to genuinely embrace others’ successes (instead of feeling threatened or jealous).
Enhances self-awareness: When you practice gratitude, you become more aware of your feelings and thought patterns. This self-awareness allows you to recognize when you’re comparing yourself to others and helps you redirect your focus to the positive aspects of your life.
Promotes empathy and compassion: As you learn to appreciate the good in your own life, you’re more likely to recognize and understand the struggles and challenges others face, reducing the need for comparison.
Promotes positive thinking: Regularly acknowledging the good things in your life can create a habit of positive thinking. This positive mindset can counteract negative thought patterns associated with comparison and lead to increased happiness and life satisfaction.
Encourages authenticity: When you’re grateful for who you are and what you have, you’re more likely to embrace your authentic self rather than trying to conform to societal norms or compare yourself to others.
Remember, everyone’s journey is unique, and by embracing gratitude, you can find greater contentment and joy in your own path without being weighed down by comparisons.
No more comparing for me
For many years in my life, I was highly influenced by what others were doing and thinking; I am grateful for the opportunity to have progressed out of that foolishness stage, as I now live, act, and feel as independently as I ever have.
And there’s nothing wrong with looking and making honest and productive comparisons. As stated, these are healthy and can actually help us grow as individuals, be challenged as thinkers, and make sure we do not miss out on purple and orange running shoes (which I simply must find).
Not comparing myself to others has provided me with an abundance of time, reduced stress, and increased optimism, and I am happy for others instead of feeling jealous.
I focus daily on limiting social media (and being online in general) as much as possible, on being present and mindful of my thoughts and feelings, and practicing being grateful for everything I have in life; I do not own many possessions, and I do not have a lot of money, but I do have a passion for each day, and I have never enjoyed my life as much as I do now. Want to know one of the secrets to how you can do this too?
