Recognize when you need encouragement vs. tough love.

Jun 22

Apparently, one of my superhero powers is stating the obvious, so here is a pearl I came up with today; life can be really, really, really hard sometimes.

And some of the most challenging life experiences to get through are the ones that require us to self-manage our emotions, actions, and expectations; in other words, when we need to give ourselves a pat on the back vs. a kick in the pants.

This is an interesting topic to me because right now, I am trying to better navigate between the two in my personal and professional lives.

Professionally, I recently started a new writing career, so that will naturally present challenges and opportunities that are both exciting and scary.

Personally, I’m a digital nomad who moves between Thailand and Vietnam each month, and I am trying to decide which one to move to for a year in 2024 (and figuring out how to make that all happen with visas, banking, etc.).

These opportunities have mostly positive vibes, but there are times when I struggle to make decisions and follow through on plans, putting my goals at risk, all of which are entirely normal.

But things become problematic for me when I allow self-discipline and self-compassion to become unbalanced.

To experience personal and professional growth, we need to mediate between having ample self-discipline to motivate ourselves to achieve goals and accepting that other times may call for self-compassion to overcome challenges and continue progressing toward those goals; finding the right balance between the two is essential for our overall well-being.

It’s the decision-making process of balancing the two that I find interesting and want to dive into, starting with looking at each independently.

Self-discipline

There seems to be an endless supply of content online about being more productive and obtaining goals, but it’s not in my nature these days to be overly ambitious. I like to set gentle goals that align with my lifestyle and values and are just aggressive enough to keep my life frosty and interesting but also obtainable without sacrificing my valuable personal and rest time. And although everyone sets different goals, we all, at some point, feel the need to refocus on a task or situation, and that takes some level of self-discipline.

Regulating our urges, emotions, and behaviors to attain specific objectives is complex. Still, people with self-discipline can often sacrifice or delay short-term pleasures to achieve greater long-term rewards. Tactics to accomplish this include creating and adhering to schedules, being stern about setting and achieving goals and learning to sidestep any distractions that could impede progress.

This approach is frequently associated with a “kick in the pants” mentality, where individuals push themselves through obstacles and hardships to attain their desired outcomes.

However, those who overly prioritize self-discipline may reach diminishing returns, becoming obsessive and anxious, constantly striving for perfection while suppressing emotions to maintain consistency. Over time and left unchecked, this approach can even weaken your self-esteem because you are basing your value solely on measurable benchmarks, resulting in the belief that something is inherently flawed and requires continual improvement; I can attest to this firsthand.

There are times when I struggle with writer’s block, updating my content calendar, and learning new skills. Sometimes I force more self-discipline on myself to try and push through those tough times, which often does the trick. But, there reaches a point when I am just spinning my wheels, and the only thing I am accomplishing is becoming overly stressed to where I start feeling anxious, and negative thoughts and incredible frustration usually accompany this. No bueno.

The only way to stop this spiral of self-criticism is to halt what I am doing and allow the problem to be acknowledged. I tell myself that these are problems even the most successful and experienced writers have, so it’s silly to think I would somehow be spared the pain. Once I can wrap my mind around that sentiment, the problems are still there, but I am at peace with solving them. In other words, accepting problems does not mean you are giving up; if anything, it’s the opposite.

There are also many distractions along the way that will test our resolve, and we’ll need a steadfast commitment to the direction we have set for ourselves. When faced with these temptations, staying focused on your goals, and showing up regularly, even if you lack motivation, is what self-discipline is really all about.

Self-compassion

Self-compassion, on the other hand, involves being able to treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness, especially in moments of struggle, failure, or imperfection. It’s about recognizing that we all face challenges and make mistakes, so we should extend the same level of empathy ourselves that we might offer a friend.

There is a power in acknowledging that setbacks are a natural part of the human experience, and we don’t need to invoke harsh self-criticism or negative self-talk; that only exacerbates the situation. Instead of being overly critical, individuals who practice self-compassion know when to give themselves a “pat on the back,” providing the emotional support and encouragement needed to overcome challenges and continue progressing toward their goals when things get tough or when they experience failure. It allows one to be fearless, take risks, face challenges, and overcome obstacles, knowing they can handle whatever comes their way.

I think it’s natural in our culture to err on the side of self-discipline, and maybe overall, that isn’t too bad of a thing; we should also be mindful that self-compassion is an equally effective tool to get things done. And it can prove difficult to be compassionate with yourself because that often means we need first to admit there is a problem, and that problem is not going away by being more disciplined with our thoughts or actions.

When I have difficulty finishing an article, even though I have been at the computer for hours trying to grind my way through writer’s block, there reaches a point in which I need to admit I am having an issue and deal with that. I close my computer and sit for 10 minutes quietly, realize it is normal to have problems, and then I stretch for 15 minutes, then I do something completely different, like go for a jog or grab a snack and spend an hour on Netflix. So for me, self-compassion works because once I show myself some love, I am usually better prepared to restart the task.

But you don’t want to be some wallflower either, and those who lean too much towards self-compassion risk becoming overly passive and avoiding taking any responsibility at all, which is also no bueno.

Finding a balance

Overdoing the self-discipline aspect without self-compassion can lead to stress, burnout, and feelings of inadequacy. On the other hand, excessive self-compassion without self-discipline might lead to procrastination and a lack of achievement. However, most people embody both traits and usually strike the right balance, and there is only a noticeable problem when one side is taken to the extreme, as both can have adverse effects.

Balancing self-discipline and self-compassion is crucial for personal growth and overall well-being and proves to be a delicate task that involves taking time to cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself; you need to be mindful of your goals, emotions, and circumstances. And while it’s essential to have the discipline to work towards goals, it’s equally important to be kind to yourself and allow for personal growth at a natural pace, which can lead to a healthy sense of self-worth, personal growth, and success.

Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all solution as everyone has different goals, boundaries, and tolerances for discipline and compassion, and it even depends on the type of situation.

Here are a few brief examples of what I mean:

Fitness Goals: Between diet and exercise, there are several fitness goals I set for myself to stay healthy and in shape. Self-discipline involves sticking to my workout routine, even when I’m not in the mood. However, if I miss a workout due to fatigue or a busy day, self-compassion steps in, and instead of berating myself, I acknowledge that rest or other priorities are necessary and allow myself to miss a routine without guilt. So long as this does not become a pattern, I am fine with the occasionally missed fitness routine because my health is not impacted overall. If this becomes a frequent problem, then I need to be mindful of initiating more self-discipline.

Learning New Skills: Let’s pretend we wanted to learn a new skill, like playing a musical instrument. Self-discipline involves consistent practice and pushing through the initial difficulties and frustrations that may make quitting tempting. However, if we hit a plateau or struggle to grasp certain concepts, self-compassion reminds us that learning is a journey. We might take breaks, seek guidance, and celebrate small victories without becoming overly critical.

So, in the end, I guess it’s fair to say balancing self-discipline and self-compassion requires a degree of flexibility and certainly self-awareness, but it’s also about recognizing when to apply discipline to achieve your goals and when to offer yourself compassion to navigate challenges without damaging your self-esteem.

Finding the right balance between self-discipline and self-compassion is not a fixed formula but an ongoing process of tuning into your needs, emotions, and aspirations. And when caught in a spiral of self-criticism, remember it’s helpful to consider what you would say to a friend in that situation (because we’re often much wiser and kinder to them than ourselves). Additionally, you’d be surprised how effective using a simple mantra like “This is what’s happening right now, it is what it is” can be to help shift our focus back to the present moment and away from negative self-talk.

Remember, self-discipline helps navigate challenging situations, while self-compassion empowers us to keep moving forward. By cultivating and nurturing both, we can better realize sustainable effort and performance and, ultimately, increase our chances of achieving the goals and desires we crave most.

So next time you’re stuck on a problem, be open to finding a balance between self-discipline and self-compassion by reflecting on the issue and what you have tried so far and being honest about what has been working (or not).