Try these easy self-discovery tips to find out who you are.
Most people float through life on autopilot without ever considering what is happening and how they feel about things.
I did.
But, when I consciously made an effort to notice how I reacted to events, I was able to work on transforming my reactions to align with my values and goals.
For example, I didn’t want to be someone who got stressed out all the time, so I started noticing what things caused me stress and learned how to process my emotions so I reacted calmly and positively but without pressure.
This emotional self-discovery process allowed me to gain a deeper understanding of my feelings and emotions, become more aware of my emotional triggers, patterns, and reactions, and explore the underlying reasons behind my emotional responses.
And that’s what I wanted to talk about in this article, so here’s what I think are the critical components of gaining emotional intelligence through self-discovery.
Self-awareness
An essential element in emotional self-discovery is learning to be mindful and self-aware of our emotions and feelings. We need to become aware of them as they arise, which is tricky because it involves recognizing the different emotions you experience as they happen, and we need to acknowledge their presence without judgment. That last part is key, too, because this step is about observing, not fixing.
Think of emotional self-discovery as paying attention to your feelings in different situations. You know those moments when you suddenly feel happy, annoyed, or maybe even a little sad? Well, it’s like having a chat with those emotions where you’re saying, “Hey, I see you!” and just acknowledging they are there without being judgmental or too hard on yourself; there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel, you are just accepting your present state and saying to yourself, “Yep, I’m feeling this way.” That’s the first step in unlocking your emotions’ secrets.
For example, when it is a travel day, I always get a little anxious about the logistics; I check the flight status, confirm my Airbnb check-in time, etc., which isn’t a problem. I acknowledge that in those moments, I tend to have a little more anxious energy than I usually would.
Emotional triggers
Identifying the situations, events, or people that trigger specific emotional responses is the next crucial aspect of emotional self-discovery; understanding what evokes our emotions can provide insights into our history, beliefs, and values.
Emotional triggers are like figuring out why that one song makes you nostalgic or why talking about a specific topic may get you fired up; when you recognize these triggers, you’re uncovering clues about yourself. You’re starting the discovery process of why you react the way you do, and that can be like opening the door to your past, your beliefs, and the things that truly matter to you, like being a detective of your emotions, finding out what makes you tick and why.
For example, when it is a travel day, any delays to my flight or Airbnb check-in time are potential trigger events that could lead me to become impatient and, if left unchecked, could lead to a worsening mood and behavior.
Patterns and reactions
By observing your emotional patterns and how you react in various life situations, you can uncover recurring themes and recognize tendencies like avoidance, defensiveness, or overreaction.
Have you ever noticed times when your reaction kinda seemed like you were following a script? Well, those are your patterns at work. It’s like getting a little defensive whenever someone gives you feedback, or you tend to avoid conversations that might lead to criticism you don’t want. These patterns are like the script in a movie that keeps playing the same act repeatedly. But here’s the thing: by paying attention to how you react, you can start to see the bigger picture (story). Maybe you tend to get anxious in new situations or always put others’ needs before yours. These patterns lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself. And the best part is, once you know them, you can start to choose how you want to react, kind of like editing that movie and playing another act.
For example, when I travel internationally and go through immigration, it is almost always busy and will take at least a half hour. So, knowing the delay has the potential to make me anxious, I usually take a few deep breaths to relax my mind and then try to strike up a conversation or mentally play a favorite movie in my head; any of these things will keep my mind occupied and distracted from thinking about waiting in line.
Reflecting on past experiences
Exploring your past experiences and relationships can also help you understand how your upbringing, past traumas, and significant life events have shaped your emotional responses and coping mechanisms. Each of those experiences and relationships you’ve had are like puzzle pieces that form the bigger picture of who you are today. Your upbringing, those big moments, and even the not-so-great stuff all affect how you handle emotions now. Maybe a tough time in school made you sensitive to criticism, or a strong family bond makes you a caring listener today. It’s like connecting the dots between then and now.
For example, I get a little anxious on travel days because that’s how my parents always acted; some people are just like that, and because they raised me, some of that rubbed off on me.
Self-compassion
Emotional self-discovery also involves cultivating self-compassion and kindness toward yourself, acknowledging that your emotions are valid and understandable, even though they are complex or difficult to understand.
Imagine you’re advising a friend who’s going through a tough time. You may try to say something comforting like, “Hey, it’s okay; you’re doing your best.” Well, guess what? You can tell the same things to yourself!
When you’re feeling all tangled up in emotions, whether it’s happiness, sadness, or maybe a mix of everything, try to remember that it’s totally okay; your feelings are temporary and do not define you. It’s all good, even when things get messy or you’re unsure why you feel a certain way. Self-compassion is like giving yourself that big hug you need and telling yourself, “You’re just human.”
For example, a few months ago, an airport agent was trying to direct me to an alternate immigration area (for those with connecting flights), and I initially thought I knew where to go, so I kind of just smiled and ignored them. Not long after, I found out I didn’t know where to go, so I returned to the agent, apologized, and got back on the right track. Even though I was a little rude in my initial interaction, I permitted myself to be okay with that and used it as an opportunity to apologize to someone else and, by extension, myself. It doesn’t excuse past behavior, but it does help craft the response moving forward.
Journaling and self-expression
Keeping a journal can be a helpful tool for emotional self-discovery because writing about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences can provide clarity and insight into your emotional well-being.
When you scribble down your thoughts and feelings, you’re basically giving your emotional state a voice to communicate with. And guess what? It’s not just about the words; it’s about the magic that happens when you write them down because sometimes stuff just makes more sense when you see it right in front of you. You might read what you wrote and go, “Oh, that’s why I felt that way!” It’s like giving your thoughts and feelings a safe space to hang out and be real without judgment; just you and your words, trying to better understand yourself.
For example, on travel days, when I’m about to head to the airport, if I feel overly anxious, I’ll sit and write out two things I am worried about and two things I am looking forward to. Then, when I read my list, the positives always outweigh the negatives, and I feel less anxious. It may sound silly if you have never tried it, but writing out our feelings makes them tangible and allows us to see them in a different light. Instead of a worry in our minds, they become nothing at all when we see it written out.
Acceptance and growth
I think it’s important to note that emotional self-discovery is not about changing who you are but rather about understanding and accepting yourself more fully. This acceptance lays the groundwork for personal growth and the potential to transform unhealthy emotional patterns.
If you have a treasure chest full of all your emotions and experiences, you don’t want to empty that chest and try to become someone else; instead, you want to look inside and say, “Hey, this is me, and I’m totally fine with what I see.” When you accept that your emotions are part of the package that makes you who you are, you’re setting the stage for serious personal growth. Think of it like planting seeds in a garden. When you understand why you feel the way you do, those seeds start sprouting into flowers of self-awareness. When you see things you don’t particularly care for, you can prune your behavior and grow into a new emotional direction.
So, emotional self-discovery isn’t about a total makeover; it’s about becoming the best version of you by nurturing what’s already there and growing into something even more amazing.
For example, when I travel through airport security, sometimes I get annoyed at how long it takes someone to put their carry-on, shoes, and items in the bins to go through security. I understand people with kids, but grown-ass adults can really get to me (who feels me?). But I know this, and when I sense it is happening, I tweak (prune) my behavior by asking the slow poke about their shoes or travel bag instead of fuming in silence. It serves as a distraction, and I forget that what they do is annoying once I engage someone in conversation.
(Rant: BTW, who carries a fist full of coins in their pants pocket while traveling? And you don’t have to unlace each shoe; they’ll slip right off, and for the millionth time, yes, the laptop goes in its own F’in tray. Whew, thanks for listening; I feel better now).
Integration
As you work on connecting with your emotions, finding your trigger points, and learning to navigate and direct your responses, you’ll gain insights through that emotional self-discovery process. The work now is to start integrating what you’ve learned into your daily life, and this might involve making conscious choices to respond to situations in healthier and more constructive ways.
Say you’ve realized that you tend to become short-tempered and irritable when things get stressful. Armed with that knowledge, you’ll know how to act in ways that will mitigate unwanted occurrences or know when to pause a situation before you experience those negative emotions (or at least early on in the process) and make a conscious choice to react differently, like taking a deep breath or talking it out calmly.
The magic occurs between trigger and reaction; you’re not just responding on autopilot but with intention.
It’s about noticing and even anticipating a trigger event, then weaving your emotional insights into your interactions, decisions, and overall thought process.
When I fly to a destination, I prefer to arrive in the morning or early afternoon because it is easier (and therefore less stressful for me) to find my Airbnb location during the day. Knowing this, I always try to book a flight that meets these needs and helps to mitigate a potentially stressful period.
A final thought
Overall, emotional self-discovery is an ongoing process that, with a little patience and dedication, can help us learn to navigate our emotions with greater awareness, understanding, and self-compassion. And by embracing the self-discovery process, we can gain emotional intelligence. It just takes a little work, and here’s something that might help get you started.
