Why internal values should outweigh external validation.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, we all engage in self-definition to some extent.

It’s a process that involves understanding who we are and what we want from life, and it often begins when we’re youngins.

Remember when we were young, and someone asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, what kind of home we wanted to live in, or what type of car we wanted to drive, our answers were probably based solely on what we wanted, not someone else.

Somewhere along our development path, we started to allow external factors to start influencing our decisions, goals, and values, and maybe we allowed them to permeate to other areas of our lives, including the brands we hang in our closets and the people we hang with socially.

And that is the crux of the potential issue.

Our tendency to define ourselves, while natural and essential, can be problematic if our internal values don’t override our need for external validation.

Focusing on inner values will mean we define who we are and where we want to go based on our true selves and what we genuinely need and desire.

The more we allow external conditions to interfere with that process, the more likely we’ll be less contented with our lives because our value is based on external validation, not our internal requirements.

Now, external considerations are common when we take stock of our lives; in moderate doses, they can be healthy and natural, but when they turn into a need for self-validation, they can sway our thoughts and actions in a direction not consistent with our true selves; that’s problematic, and why it’s important we understand who we are.

Taking the time to truly understand our values, principles, boundaries, abilities, moral code, and motivations provides us with a greater definition of who we are, and this knowledge serves as an internal beacon that helps us make decisions that align with our true selves.

But, it can be challenging to figure out who we are and not let external considerations lead us astray from what we value and genuinely desire.

So, let’s explore how to start defining ourselves with productive and nurturing internal elements rather than problematic external validations that may stem from social conditioning and cultural norms.

I think our tendency to define ourselves is all too often defaulted to how we are viewed (and graded) by society; what we do, what we have, and what other people think of us can be tempting associations.

We’ve been clunked over the head by what society expects of us with such repetition that it’s practically become ingrained in our human nature. But, these are the trappings of the external elements we seek for validation and acceptance, and not the internal considerations that reflect what we truly want (and that will lead to a contented life).

With that in mind, here are a number of external factors that compete for our attention and tempt us to veer off course when defining who we are, what we want out of life, and how we can potentially flip the script to use them to our advantage.

Social norms and conditioning

We learn at an early age to judge ourselves based on external factors. How far we succeed, how many possessions we accumulate, and our perceived public image are all emphasized as a person’s worth in society and where they rank compared to others. That’s what social conditioning is all about.

As we grow, those societal expectations and perceived norms become more and more ingrained in our minds and, therefore, accepted over time as inevitable truths. We think we have no choice but to believe our self-worth (who we are) is determined by achievements and the views and opinions of others, always outside looking in instead of the other way around; this type of social conditioning will most likely lead to negatively defining ourselves and impact our overall well-being too.

We may develop a constant need for validation and approval from others or feel pressured to conform to societal expectations, even if it goes against our values and beliefs. We’ll almost certainly develop a materialistic mindset, valuing possessions over experiences and relationships; that probably rings true with many people. But perhaps the most damaging effect of social conditioning is judging ourselves and others based on superficial factors such as appearance, leading to potential feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

But we don’t have to succumb to social conditioning because it is a temporary condition, mostly. Social training needs repetition to get inside our heads, and as the flavor of the month changes, so will the messaging. And once we realize how this all works and plays out, we are in a better position to insulate ourselves from its effect.

I mean, sometimes social conditioning is hard to recognize, kinda like that story of the frog in a pot of water. If you put a frog in a pot of hot water, it will jump out, but if you put it in tepid water and slowly increase the heat, the frog will eventually boil. Now, I’m not sure if anyone ever tested that theory (and I sure don’t want to Google it, mostly for fear of a pic of Dahmer at eight years old trying it), but you get the analogy. The first week you spent on Instagram probably did not affect your idea of travel, but fast forward many years, and you may think everyone is traveling on private jets, tanning on an island with perfect abs, and somehow not working because they make all their money with crypto. (Ahem, bullshitters say what?).

So, it’s essential to recognize these impacts on our lives so we can work towards breaking free from their hold on our psyche and the way we define ourselves.

We just need to learn to practice self-awareness and introspection so we know how to identify our values and beliefs. We can try to surround ourselves with positive influences and people who support and accept us for who we are and focus on developing meaningful relationships rather than collecting more material possessions (or whatever the socially conditioned metric dictates).

Learning to avoid this social conditioning may not be easy, but with practice, we can learn to value and define ourselves for who we are rather than what we have or what others think of us.

Accepted cultural norms

Whereas social conditioning is something we have a certain level of control over and is more temporary and dynamic, cultural norms are deep-rooted traditions and value structures created over a generally long period of time, and therefore, any changes are made slowly. Similar to certain social conditioning elements, some cultural norms are based on external validations for success as well, including material wealth, level of education, and career achievements, all of which also impact how individuals identify with themselves and others.

But that doesn’t mean people are necessarily stuck in the culture they were born into (or raised in) and must adhere to those customs. Heck, I see old and new pictures of people wearing white socks with brown shoes, so yeah, it may be culturally normal, but that doesn’t automagically make it acceptable nor something everyone needs to conform with.

Here’s another example. It may be customary in some societies to identify individuals by their family name or profession, while in others, people may be identified by their ethnic background or nationality. There isn’t necessarily a good or bad to any of it; it’s just a cultural thing. I’m sure we’ve all come across businesses owned and operated by the same family for generations, but that doesn’t necessarily mean every child works for the company. Maybe only one child took over the business, and although the other siblings wished them well, they wanted no part of it.

Some cultures also place greater emphasis on individualism, while others prioritize collectivism and the well-being of the group over the individual. In America, high interest and value are placed on expressing yourself with individual rights and freedoms, entrepreneurship, and collecting possessions and achievements to set yourself apart from the rest; that’s normal. However, in some parts of Asia where I’ve lived, there is less emphasis on individual rights and a higher priority on country, faith, and the economy. It doesn’t mean people have no rights, but community goals and needs temper the expectation of individuality. But even people in these cultures, when they reach adulthood, can figure out a way to make it to the States (or another country) if they want more individual freedoms. Seldom are we stuck with no outs.

Cultural norms can also influence how individuals express themselves and their emotions. In some cultures, it may be considered inappropriate to display strong emotions such as anger or sadness in public, while in others, it may be seen as a sign of strength. In some Asian countries, they shy away from public displays of affection; it’s not a crime, and you occasionally see it, but it’s just not a cultural norm.

With respect to defining yourself, when we go through the process of figuring out who we are and what we want from life, cultural norms are certainly external elements that are challenging to avoid. Still, we can learn to navigate around them; they certainly don’t have to validate who we are.

Peer pressure and fear of rejection

While attending high school, I defined myself as an athlete and beer drinker; that’s pretty much it, and I was really good at both. But, if I had to do it all over again, I would identify as a student who majored in drama and would not even bother with the other two. I really only played sports and drank beer because I thought that’s what the cool kids did, and I allowed peer pressure to dictate most of my behavior during those years.

And it’s not that uncommon for adults to behave the same way. Peer groups and social circles often reinforce the importance of conforming to specific standards and expectations, and therefore, can lead to individuals defining themselves based on how their peers view them or how they compare to their peers; pick your poison; they’re both toxic.

Although often viewed negatively, peer pressure can also have some positive outcomes. Joining a group can provide a sense of belonging, boost self-confidence, and introduce new hobbies and interests. Moreover, it can reinforce positive habits and attitudes that individuals want to acquire.

That said, peer pressure can also have negative consequences, from mild to more severe, including dressing a certain way to fit in, engaging in risky behaviors like smoking, drinking alcohol, or experimenting with drugs to gain acceptance. People will even adopt certain attitudes or beliefs to be seen as cool or popular, including bullying or teasing others who do not conform to the group’s norms (look at the political landscape these days).

Peer pressure is real and powerful, and it affects our ability to define ourselves in a way that aligns with our core values and, therefore, can negatively impact how we feel about ourselves and the path we are on.

And peer pressure has a friend called fear of rejection.

Our fear of rejection from these peer pressure-inducing social groups can drive people to seek external validation and conform to societal norms, even if it means sacrificing their authenticity and self-identifying traits. This fear can be a formidable force that can manifest in different ways, from avoiding social situations altogether to not allowing ourselves to express our true feelings and ideas. Due to the perceived (and often made-up and inaccurate) consequences of this fear, we’ll usually try to convince ourselves we need to bend over backward to please others and seek their approval, even if it means compromising our values.

All of these external measures I’ve been talking about don’t lead to our ability to accurately define ourselves nor lead to an accurate path for how to grow and improve into who we want to become; they also don’t lead to long-term fulfillment and contentment. But don’t worry; we can start defining ourselves using nurturing internal values, and here are some thoughts on how.

Defining ourselves using internal values

As I mentioned initially, our tendency to define ourselves, while natural and essential, can be problematic if our internal values don’t override our need for external validation. Focusing on inner values will mean we define who we are and where we want to go based on our true selves and what we genuinely need and desire.

While this can prove to be a challenging process, integrating the concept of internal values into your daily life can be extremely rewarding, too. Here are some simple but practical ideas to help align your actions and decisions with your core values:

Try self-reflection: Take time to reflect on your core values and beliefs. What principles are most important to you? What kind of person do you aspire to be? Most people don’t spend time figuring this out and then wonder why they don’t feel fulfilled. They can, but only once they do the work to know what would fulfill them in the first place.

Identify your priorities: Determine your top priorities in life. These can include values related to family, career, personal development, relationships, or basically whatever is essential to you. Think of it this way: if it’s not a priority for you to identify and consider, then it’s probably not important enough for you to go after.

Set clear and gentle goals: Define specific, measurable, and achievable goals that align with your values. Don’t worry about keeping up with the Joneses; these are your goals based on your core desires. Plus, goals can help give your life a sense of purpose and direction, and creating a pattern of accomplishments builds self-trust and creates optimism to take on the next challenge.

Make value-aligned decisions: When faced with important decisions, consider how each option aligns with your values. Choose the path that is most consistent with your principles, even (or especially) if it’s not the easiest or most popular choice.

Practice mindfulness: Develop mindfulness practices, such as simple breathing exercises, meditation, or even journaling, to help you stay connected to your internal values and remain aware of your thoughts and actions. (This concept may be new for many people, but once I started incorporating 10-minute breathing exercises into my day, I could think clearer and reduce my stress levels).

Surround yourself with like-minded folk: Find, build, and maintain relationships and friendships with individuals who share or respect your values and boundaries. These supportive people can help reinforce your commitment to your basic principles and keep you on track.

Be your authentic you: Strive to be true to yourself and your values, even when it may be challenging or unpopular. Authenticity can lead to a more fulfilling and genuine life. Between our culture, society, peers, and everyone else, it can be hard sometimes to be yourself; be fearless in your pursuit of the real you.

Learn and then adapt: Values can evolve over time as you gain new experiences and insights. Be open to learning and adjusting your values when necessary, but ensure that these changes are in alignment with your evolving sense of self. Also, this isn’t a perfect science, and we’ll screw things up, so just embrace its messiness.

A final thought

Learning to define yourself is a worthwhile process to understand who we are and what we want in life. Just remember that incorporating internal values into our daily lives is a long-term commitment that may require difficult choices or challenges. But in the end, it will all be worth it.

We all have a natural and healthy tendency to define ourselves; just ensure our internal values override the temptation of external validation in the process, and everything will work out.

Define yourself. Love yourself. Live your life. Repeat.